Master complainer skills aren’t something most of us aren’t born with. Luckily there are many people who can help you to become a professional complainer. These people aren’t hard to find. Simply check out some popular discussion forums, and I’m sure you’ll find some of them.
Here’s seven guidelines these Master Complainers follow almost every day:
#1 – Practise the art of whining
Whining is good. Whenever you heard anybody saying anything start pointing out irrelevant reasons why he is wrong. Whine until the other person starts to call you names. After that, continue whining.
#2 – Interrupt whenever possible
Every Master Complainer knows that you have to interrupt others to make sure your complains will be heard. Make sure to interrupt people often enough. Complain that the other person talks too much if nothing else work.
#3 – Ignore everybody’s talk
When he other party has finally said what he wanted (after being interrupted several times), ignore everything he just said and start complaining. This improves your status as the Master Complainer, and ensures that next time this person won’t waste your time.
#4 – Meetings are for meeting people
In meetings, complain about the agenda, complain about the place of meeting, complain that some people are late (rather than actually doing something to ensure that it won’t happen next time), complaing about something. Complain lack of time and money whenever somebody suggests something. After all, the reason for having meetings is to meet people and complain – not to decide anything important.
#5 – Focus on problems
Master complainers know that focusing on the problems makes sure everybody knows about them. If you spot something wrong (like an empty coffee mug on your table), make sure to bring this horrible incident to everybody. Complain the next two weeks and I’m sure the problem will be solved by somebody else. And if it insn’t, spend two more weeks complaining until somebody fixes it. After all, it’s not your job to clean other people’s mess (nor figure out solution for their problem) but make sure to bring the issue public.
#6 – Make sure to come up reasons why something couldn’t possibly work
Do this when somebody is suggesting a plan to solve a problem. Instead of focusing in the solution, try coming up with the reason why the plan cannot possibly work. Make sure to complain about every possible incident that could happen. If the plan is innovative and new, make sure to point out that’s not how you’ve worked in the past. If the plan is old, then complain and say that you should have a newer option.
#7 – Wait for things to go wrong and complain
This is something that really separates Master Complainers from others. When you are working in a project that doesn’t progress as you wish, complain as the time passes. When finally the project is finished – and hopefully not successful – start complaining by telling others “I told you that it wouldn’t work”. this will guarantee that your expertise will be noticed by others.
With these seven helpful guidelines, I’m sure anybody can become a Master Complainer. And – as we all know – it’s good for the project to make public every tiny little detail that is wrong. Especially if they can be pointed out over and over.