7 Requirements For Becoming a Master Complainer

Master complainer skills aren’t something most of us aren’t born with. Luckily there are many people who can help you to become a professional complainer. These people aren’t hard to find. Simply check out some popular discussion forums, and I’m sure you’ll find some of them.

Here’s seven guidelines these Master Complainers follow almost every day:

#1 – Practise the art of whining
Whining is good. Whenever you heard anybody saying anything start pointing out irrelevant reasons why he is wrong. Whine until the other person starts to call you names. After that, continue whining.

#2 – Interrupt whenever possible
Every Master Complainer knows that you have to interrupt others to make sure your complains will be heard. Make sure to interrupt people often enough. Complain that the other person talks too much if nothing else work.

#3 – Ignore everybody’s talk
When he other party has finally said what he wanted (after being interrupted several times), ignore everything he just said and start complaining. This improves your status as the Master Complainer, and ensures that next time this person won’t waste your time.

#4 – Meetings are for meeting people
In meetings, complain about the agenda, complain about the place of meeting, complain that some people are late (rather than actually doing something to ensure that it won’t happen next time), complaing about something. Complain lack of time and money whenever somebody suggests something. After all, the reason for having meetings is to meet people and complain – not to decide anything important.

#5 – Focus on problems
Master complainers know that focusing on the problems makes sure everybody knows about them. If you spot something wrong (like an empty coffee mug on your table), make sure to bring this horrible incident to everybody. Complain the next two weeks and I’m sure the problem will be solved by somebody else. And if it insn’t, spend two more weeks complaining until somebody fixes it. After all, it’s not your job to clean other people’s mess (nor figure out solution for their problem) but make sure to bring the issue public.

#6 – Make sure to come up reasons why something couldn’t possibly work
Do this when somebody is suggesting a plan to solve a problem. Instead of focusing in the solution, try coming up with the reason why the plan cannot possibly work. Make sure to complain about every possible incident that could happen. If the plan is innovative and new, make sure to point out that’s not how you’ve worked in the past. If the plan is old, then complain and say that you should have a newer option.

#7 – Wait for things to go wrong and complain
This is something that really separates Master Complainers from others. When you are working in a project that doesn’t progress as you wish, complain as the time passes. When finally the project is finished – and hopefully not successful – start complaining by telling others “I told you that it wouldn’t work”. this will guarantee that your expertise will be noticed by others.

With these seven helpful guidelines, I’m sure anybody can become a Master Complainer. And – as we all know – it’s good for the project to make public every tiny little detail that is wrong. Especially if they can be pointed out over and over.

7 thoughts on “7 Requirements For Becoming a Master Complainer

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  5. Jake Birkett

    haha that’s a great article, enjoyable. Also we could add:

    #8 Be sure to complain about your health and how you feel as often as you can to everyone. In fact it’s even better if you can blame them for the way you feel. Don’t forget to complain about the weather if you are English.

    #9 Make sure that you criticise other people at any opportunity – be sure to do it in an unconstructive way. The criticism doesn’t even have to be valid, you can simply complain because they don’t do things the same way that you would because your way is best. You can even blame other people for your own actions saying “they made me do it”.

    #10 Make sure to blame Life, the Universe, God for all the bad stuff that happens in your life and for all the good stuff that doesn’t happen. When something bad happens, really feel how bad it is and tell everyone about it. Don’t bother to try to look for any stupid lessons to learn or to become aware of your feelings from a non-ego perspective so that you can feel at peace – really get into the negative emotion of the situation, feed it and turn it into a monster. Then you can unleash this monster on everyone around you.

    Hope this was helpful, if not, just complain :-)

    Reply
  6. sebastien

    funny that you create an article on “Master Complainer” just few days after changing your website graphic chart and had people complaning about all this ads you add and about the “black and white” style.

    Reply

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